When Grief & Neurodivergence Meet
Supporting Autistic & ADHD Children Through Loss
If you’re here, chances are you’ve had at least one of these thoughts:
“My child doesn’t grieve like other kids.”
“People keep saying they’re doing it wrong.”
“I honestly don’t know what to say anymore.”
First—take a breath.
The fact that you’re reading this already tells me something important: you care deeply about your child and you’re trying to understand them.
And here’s the reassurance many parents need to hear right away:
Neurodivergent children don’t grieve incorrectly. They grieve honestly, in the language of their nervous systems.
I created this article, the free downloadable PowerPoint, and the accompanying resources because too many neurodivergent children are being misunderstood while they’re grieving — and too many parents are being told, directly or indirectly, that something is wrong with their child or their parenting.
These resources exist to say, clearly and compassionately:
You are not failing.
Your child is not broken.
Grief is not a behavior problem.
The Gap This Work Addresses
Most grief education is built around neurotypical, adult expressions of grief — talking, crying, insight, and linear timelines. When neurodivergent children grieve through play, repetition, blunt language, silence, hyperfocus, or delayed reactions, their grief is often mislabeled as:
avoidance
insensitive
denial
behavioral regression
This misunderstanding doesn’t just miss the mark — it can increase shame, isolation, and dysregulation for both children and their caregivers.
I created these materials to shift the lens from correcting grief to understanding it.
Why These Resources Are Free
I intentionally made these tools free and downloadable because I believe grief support should not be gatekept — especially when families are already navigating loss, exhaustion, and systems that don’t always understand neurodivergence.
These resources are meant to be:
shared with teachers, family members, and caregivers
used as scripts when words are hard to find
printed, revisited, and returned to over time
a reminder that grief comes in waves, not checklists
They’re also designed to reduce the emotional labor parents are often asked to carry alone — explaining, defending, or justifying their child’s grief to others. I see you. I AM you.
The Heart of This Work
At its core, this work is grounded in a simple but powerful belief:
Neurodivergent children are already meeting the needs of grief — just not in ways adults always recognize.
When we learn to read the language of their nervous systems, we stop asking, “How do I fix this?” and start asking, “What is my child telling me they need?”
That shift changes everything.
If these resources help even one family feel less alone, more confident, or more understood — then they’re doing exactly what they were created to do.
Scripts for Talking to Neurodivergent Children
Validating Puddle Jumping*
“Your brain takes breaks from big feelings. That’s okay.”
“You can feel sad and still want to play. Both are true.”
“Grief doesn’t have to look the same all the time.”
*Puddle jumping is a term used to describe the way many children — especially neurodivergent children — move in and out of grief, rather than staying in one emotional state.
When They Hyperfocus on Death
“You’re trying to understand something really big.”
“Asking the same question helps your brain feel safer.”
“We can talk about this again later if your body needs a break.”
When They’re Blunt or Socially Direct
“You’re telling the truth in a very clear way.”
“Other people sometimes need gentler words — I can help with that if you want to give it a try.”
“Nothing you said was wrong. Sometimes direct words are hard for others to hear.”
When They Seem ‘Unaffected’
“Grief doesn’t always show up right away.”
“Your feelings might come later — or in pieces.”
“You don’t have to feel anything on a schedule.”
Scripts for Talking to Other Adults (Teachers, Family, Coaches)
“My child processes grief this way because of how their brain works.”
“They may talk about the death very directly — that’s not a lack of empathy.”
“Playfulness doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.”
“They may revisit this loss again and again over time.”
Scripts for Parents to Use With Themselves
(Important for caregiver regulation)
“This is not a failure — it’s neurodivergent grief.”
“My child doesn’t need fixing; they need understanding.”
“Grief literacy matters more than grief performance.”
Frequently Asked Questions:
“Is puddle jumping healthy, or should I slow my child down?”
Puddle jumping is a regulated grief strategy. It allows emotional expression without nervous system overload. Interrupting it often increases distress.
“My child keeps hyperfocusing on death. Is this unhealthy?”
Not inherently. Hyperfocus is often how neurodivergent children work toward meaning and integration. If it’s regulating rather than distressing, it’s serving a purpose.
“My child is very blunt and makes others uncomfortable.”
That’s a social or communication mismatch — not a grief problem. You can teach context and audience without silencing their truth.
“My child says the person isn’t really dead. Should I correct them?”
Gentle witnessing is better than correction: “I wish that were true. I miss them too.” This honors emotional safety and reality.
“What if my child doesn’t seem sad at all?”
Grief doesn’t always look like sadness. It may show up later, sideways, or cognitively. Absence of tears ≠ absence of grief.
“Why is grief resurfacing years later?”
Because development changes understanding. New insight = new grief. This is especially common in neurodivergent children.
“How do I explain this to teachers or family?”
A simple script: “My child meets the needs of grief in a way that fits their brain.” That sentence educates and sets boundaries.
“When should I seek professional help?”
Support is helpful if:
Grief interferes with daily functioning
The child feels isolated or misunderstood
There is persistent distress without regulation
Look for neurodivergent-affirming grief support, not behavior correction.
Supporting a Neurodivergent Child Who Is Grieving
What helps — and what hurts
✅ DO
Listen without correcting
Allow play, laughter, and breaks
Let questions repeat
Accept blunt or factual language
Reassure often: “This is not your fault.”
Expect grief to come and go
Focus on regulation before explanation
🚫 DON’T
Rush feelings or force talking
Compare their grief to others
Label coping as “avoidance”
Shut down death questions
Expect “appropriate sadness”
Push meaning or silver linings
Look for closure
💡 Remember: Grief is not a behavior problem. It’s a set of needs trying to be met. Presence matters more than perfect words.
If this article resonated, you don’t have to stop here.
I’ve created additional free, downloadable resources to help parents, caregivers, and educators better understand grief — including practical scripts, visuals, and tools you can return to when words are hard to find.
